Sister Wives: Why Vilify Kody Brown?

There are a lot of blogs and comments that say things like, “I thought polygamy was bad, but the Sister Wives people feel good to me, no one is getting hurt, and I think they should be able to live as they choose.” It is always heart-warming to me when real human interaction overcomes learned bigotry, of any type. Even people I know at work who don’t know I practice polygamy talk about being fascinated by the Sister Wives show and watching every episode.

Then there are negative opinions, often expressing a point of view that seems to have been set in place and not changed by the show. Some of these people even mention that they’ve hardly watched Sister Wives.

I’ve mostly been pleasantly surprised by the public response. But one thing has shocked me: The level of vitriol aimed at Kody Brown, the husband on Sister Wives.

(John has not been shocked... he completely predicted this would happen when Sister Wives first came on. I’m coming to understand and sympathize more with the man’s position in these things.)

It’s not like Kody is a perfect human being, or even a perfect husband; everyone has their flaws. But he’s pretty damn good, if you ask me. When you weigh all of his positive qualities against the things that are a little off-putting, he still comes out way above average, in my opinion.

Bigotry
I believe that the real reason people are reacting to him is that they are pre-programmed to do so. I don’t think many people are even aware of their own unconscious responses to the whole thing. This is what bothers me – if they really assessed it fully and still just didn’t like him or felt what he was doing was wrong, I wouldn’t have a problem with that.

Some evidence of this: I’ve seen any number of comments and Sister Wives recaps that mention things that didn’t even happen. Any little comment that Kody makes, often in jest, is reacted to excessively. I mean, he has a goofy sense of humor, and his personality is a little flashy, but actions speak louder than words – this guy is obviously deeply committed to his family and works hard to make them happy.

One particularly memorable incidence of this happened in a Sister Wives episode recap I read that referred to a conversation that happened with Kody and his first wife, Meri, and their daughter. In the episode, the daughter wanted to speak with her father about her desire to attend military school and become a doctor. He gave her sound advice and said he was proud of her; it was a sweet moment. A few minutes later, in a conversation with just Kody and Meri, he said to her, “I thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant.” It was clear that Meri had scheduled this meeting, and Kody had gotten the impression that some big news was coming.

The Sister Wives recapper mistakenly reported that Kody said this last bit to his daughter. She went on and on about this one piece of the whole scene, claiming that Kody making this “joke” to his 15-year-old daughter showed that he was a terrible father, and it wasn’t even accurate. She, like many others, seems to not even be experiencing what is actually happening on the show, but just waiting for reasons to justify their desire to hate Kody.

Why? Because modern western culture just doesn’t believe polygamy is a valid life-choice. So if you look at who is apparently getting the most out of it (the guy), it must follow that he is abusing the women in some way.

Too many women
What is he getting out of it that is so unfair? The main (and often, only) complaint seems to be that he gets to sleep with more than one woman, while the women only get to sleep with him.

When I read what people say, this seems to be based on the assumption that it is only possible to really love one other person. Women, especially, often say that they want a man who only loves them. People in general seem to assume that it is not possible that Sister Wives' Kody really loves all of his wives and children.

How many of us only love one person, though? Why would you want your husband to only love you? It seems to me that this is mostly about perceived security – if he loves only me, he will stay with me. How likely is this even to be true? Maybe not so likely, if you look at marriage statistics. Men are actually more likely to stay for the long haul in a situation like the one on Sister Wives.

Kody’s saying, “Love should be multiplied, not divided”, seems a little cheesy to me, and I don't think it really help people to understand him – a lot of the complaint is that he is dividing his love, and giving everyone short shrift. There is an assumption in our culture today that only monogamy could be truly fulfilling and intimate.

But let’s look at the reality of how the world really works. How many parents get to have much, if any, time for their relationship, especially when the children are young? How many couples are there who say their sex life practically ended when they had kids? And how many monogamous marriages end in divorce within a few years?

Each of the wives on Sister Wives has significant personal time with Kody, even though there are a lot of kids, because there are other people to share the responsibility. The adults have time enough to themselves to also get to be something other than a parent now and then. How many parents get that?

The last thing I will say on this point is that there is a matter of quality versus quantity. How many women in monogamous relationships complain that their husbands aren’t willing to really talk with them, aren’t affectionate enough, or don’t really feel like they’re even present a lot of the time?

I’m not seeing the Sister Wives ladies complaining about this. I see Kody working pretty hard to make sure everyone feels loved, to give everyone his attention. I think it’s quite likely that the time they do have is quality. Maybe it’s even possible that they each have more quality time with Kody than many monogamous women do with their husbands.

Too many kids
There is also a lot of negativity about the number of children in the Sister Wives family, and a perception that Kody is always pressuring his wives to have more. This is partly the fault of the makers of the show for not contextualizing this. The missing piece here is that the religion the family practices advocates for all families to have as many children as possible. In fact, this is part of the justification for having multiple wives in the first place. Fundamentalist Mormons who are serious about their faith and its teachings pursue families with many wives and children.

Is this totally defensible from a practical point of view? In my opinion, no. I strongly feel that in situations where people are relying on the state to provide for them financially, it crosses a line that cannot be justified by religious freedom. I believe there are a lot of reasons to cap the number of children you have based on things like finances, space, and number of people available and fully qualified to care for them.

But, agree or not, this is not something Kody came up with. Nor is it something he is doing just to stroke his big ego, as many people seem to think.

And in the situation of Sister Wives, the kids seem to be just fine. The pace of new children, while way above what’s commonly considered to be normal, does not seem to be causing a situation of neglect, or to be unlivable for the parents.

It is clearly a financial challenge, though, and I don’t see them taking this into consideration – it seems that they believe they are acting on faith that their obedience to the principles of their religion will cause things to work out. This isn’t how I would choose to go about that, personally.

Lastly, there are plenty of snide comments out there about the fact that the Browns are making money from doing the Sister Wives reality show. I don’t personally have a problem with that at all. I still feel they are very brave to do it, and if it helps them out financially while both entertaining and opening the minds of our society, more power to them.

Flashy and boastful
There are a few things about Kody’s personality that are a little off-putting – I have to agree with this. He has a flashy car, while Janelle is shown driving a car with a taped up window - not so nice. I guess it is possible that he needs that kind of status symbol if he has a job in sales, though.

The incident with picking out the wedding dress and then bragging about it was insensitive, even a little obnoxious. He can seem boastful altogether at times.

I don’t really see him being that different from most men, though, in general. These are things I generally don’t like about a lot of men. And I don’t think they are really that extreme in Kody – I mostly just think he’s got kind of a cheesy, goofy personality. I mostly think it’s charming, if a bit idealistic.

It was difficult for me to sympathize with his response to Meri, though, when she was trying to get him to understand her jealousy of Robyn, and asked how he would feel if she was with other men. He said the thought sickened him, that he couldn’t even contemplate it.

I understand that it is part of the belief system of his church that polygyny is the right and natural or God-designed way to live, and that the tables should never be turned. So he may just be expressing his belief in his faith. I’m not completely buying it though, because it’s too convenient - it can bring up feelings of insecurity for many people if they picture their partner with someone else, regardless of their religion. Maybe he’s also just gets jealous if he thinks about it, and since his wives do deal with this already, being with him, it seems like it would be good for him to have some idea of what is hard about it for them, so he can understand them better. Her question seems fair to me.

I don’t like everything Sister Wives' Kody does or says, but I don’t like everything about anyone! Who doesn’t have faults, and how could they not show them when their lives are displayed on reality TV? I don’t think it’s fair for people to demonize him over these comparatively small issues.

Some points in Kody’s defense
Let’s take a look at some facts about this guy’s life:

• He has no personal space of his own, just living in other people’s rooms.
• He’s been able to make one marriage work for 20 years, and 2 others for almost as long, and they are all still obviously in love.
• He’s got 16 (going on 17) kids, all of whom show up as very naturally and lovingly interacting with him - little kids, especially, could never fake that.
• He’s taken on more kids that aren’t even his from his new wife.
• He’s found a way to work flexible hours to be maximally available to his family.
• He makes a real effort, consistently, to bring and hold his family together.

None of these things are easy to do. In addition, there have been several moments throughout the first two season in which he’s really touched me.

• One was seeing him get up early every day to kiss Janelle goodbye. I can relate to this quite personally, being the one with the most demanding job in my family - she may like her job, but she has quite a burden and has to be away more than anyone, and he’s supporting her in doing that. That’s very sweet.
• While courting Robyn, he always took one of the other wives or some of his kids with him so that everyone could get to know each other. He could have tried to just have the time with Robyn alone, which would be very tempting in a new relationship.
• After they all move (Sister Wives, Season 2), there is a one day rest after all the weeks of frantic activity. He finally relaxes in an armchair. The wives look over at him with obvious gratitude and love, saying how glad they are to finally see him resting. He truly was tireless and heroic in his effort to save his family.
• He goes to the hospital with Christine, catching and welcoming the new baby with obvious pleasure.
• He tries to say goodnight to everyone, and is almost always shown with one child or another running up to hug him.
• He makes time for a special, private goodbye with every wife before leaving for his honeymoon with Robyn. You may or may not agree that it is OK for him to even be having a honeymoon with a new wife, but these women have signed up for that, and he is letting each of them know that they are still special to him, and that he loves them.

My conclusion
How could a guy who does all this be that bad? His wives and kids are basically happy, sane, normal people. The wives chose to be in this life, and the kids get the benefit of multiple parents and lots of other kids to grow up with.

All in all, I can hardly imagine a man who would not trigger the unconscious motive that people clearly have to vilify polygamous men. People who are committed to a bigoted point of view will find reasons to justify their prejudice, even reasons that aren’t really there. I praise Sister Wives' Kody and all of his family for being willing to be exposed as they are to such criticism, because it is opening up the minds of everyone.

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